Wednesday, September 24, 2008

This is me.

name. indigo
ge. 15
height. 5 ft, 4 in.
weight. 103 lbs.
BMI. 17.7

welcome to the diary of a girl who will forever be almost thin enough. she despises what she sees in the mirror, yet she cannot stay away from it. she will do anything to shrink that reflection into something finally good enough.
the numbers must fall faster.

A year ago to the day, I was 5 foot 3 and i weighed 135
pounds. Not exactly what you would call slender. Now, thirty-two pounds lighter, I still feel trapped by my body fat. Indigo is somewhere inside, smothered in disgusting calories. I am screaming to escape from this weight and i do not doubt that someday i will. but i cannot do it alone. i am far too weak. thus I am starting this blog, in hopes that it will make me stronger.

As you no doubt have realized, I am an anorectic and I do not
plan to try and change that anytime soon. Ana is a part of me, and I a part of her. Together we thrive. I faithfully restrict my calories- this week I am eating 438 or less per day, an idea I got from another lovely pro- ana blog- and fast on Sundays because they are the only days when I can get away with it. On other days I am generally kept under the watchful eye of my mother. I am served breakfast by her every morning, and though i feel guilty i usually dump all but a couple bites of it down the toilet or feed it to my dog. Lunch hour i sit and stare as other kids stuff their mouths and i laugh to myself because i know that they are weaklings. they could never sit in a room with three hundred eating people and refuse to let a morsel pass their lips. i live for this, for the power over myself that most never achieve. when i get home from school i change into shorts and ride my bike at a speed of 25 mph until my heart palpitates and my head is begging for an immetrex. i then somehow manage the ride home and curl up on my bed with my computer, all the while ignoring the incredibly annoying sound a stomach will make when it is empty. dinner time will roll around shortly, and with it comes my private hell. there is no way but purging to avoid eating dinner in my house. and i hate to purge, because of what it will do to me. so i make do and eat small portions, doing absolutely anything i can to create the illusion that i am eating more than i actually am. at night i do crunches until every part of my body aches and then lay there alone with my music, an insomniac of late.

my family, my friends, my doctor, they watch me with eyes that are su
pposedly concerned. but since i am nowhere near my goal weight, which, for the moment is 95, i can only assume that i just have not been careful enough. there is absolutely no way that my appearance could have given away what i am doing. so i am trying very, very hard to conceal this. there is no harder age to starve at. everyone is constantly watching everyone else, so i am forced to devote every minute of my time to food and avoiding it creatively. tips on pretending to eat dinner right in front of people from any one that has them would be absolutely wonderful. =]

-food for today-
a glass of water.


After school-
A bit of dry cereal(110 calories) and three glasses of water.


Almost three
pancakes(320 calories) and two glasses of water.

Glass of water.

= 430 calories. Not bad.

-todays inspiration-

bright eyes.

and this.

i starve until theres nothing left,
free fall without a safety net.